In Australia it is the Queen's Birthday holiday today. Happy Birthday your royal something or other. Not that it actually is her birthday but who cares it is a holiday and that is what is important. Anyway thinking of Her Majesty naturally leads to thoughts of sperm. (I know, I know it is deeply Fruedian but humour me it is an interesting topic)

Sperm counts have been declining for some time now in Western Countries. We know this because IVF technology has been around for some time. New Scientist reported in January that British fertility had declined 29% in the last 12 years. This trend is also seen in testicle size. In testicles, big is better. Bigger testicles may limit your career as a champion horse rider but boy can they produce sperm.

Nature suggests that this is a result of increasing polutants in our environment. In particular some pesticides mimic the female hormone oestrogen. It is a hormone to strike fear into the testicles of every red blooded man. There has been talk of these pollutants causing a decrease in testicle size in new born babies.

A baby born with two good testicles is well off for fertility in later life

Says Niels Skakkebaek of University of Copenhagen, Denmark but presumably only if you are a male. Not only that, the research shows that in mature males sperm come out "under cooked" when developing in a environment containing these oestrogen mimicing chemicals. These sperm, whilst appearing to swim OK, are unable to penetrate the egg to fertilise it.

Men are such delicate creatures, particularly in the genital department. There are so many things that can bugger up those little swimmers.

Testicular Exposure to Overheating - If you are planning on being fertile forget the sauna and the spa, and a kilt is not such a bad idea either, particularly if worn traditionally, sans underwear

Substance Abuse - Drink alcohol to your hearts content but steer clear of cocaine and marijuana they interfer with chemical receptors in in the sperm making them unable to penetrate the egg

Smoking - In part because it impairs the motility of the sperm, that is how well they swim, and in part because it makes you completely unattractive to your modern non-smoking woman.

Malnutrition - Diets deficient in vitamin C, selenium, zinc, and folate can cause fertility problems. Oysters are The Green Man's method of choice for ensuring at least a couple of these are in ample supply.

Obesity - There is some evidence that this affects fertility but, like smoking, it also interfers with your chances of having someone to be fertile with.

Bicycling - Pack that bicycle away, particularly the mountain bike. Like horse riding it is a common cause of infertility that has arisen from damage to the testicles and surrounding structures.

One could also suspect that pollutants have had some part to play in the 300% increase in testicular cancer that has occured over the last 50 years. So how do you detect testicular cancer? The same way as breast cancer, of course, you feel for it and if you think it is hard convincing women about the importance of breast examination then think about the problem of encouraging men to seek a checkup.

We are facing a future where increasing numbers of men are infertile, currently the rate stands at about one in twenty, raising the question of whether monogamy is a viable approach to the perpetuation of the human species into the future. Fortunately, despite what some of us like to think, humans have shown no particular propensity for monogamy in the past with an estimated one in ten children not being sired by the man who believes he is the father so we are probably OK.