here is an entry

Entries for event are now open until 3kj;lka

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Sheep v Poodle

Thousands of Japanese have spend $1,600 each on a poodle only to discover the animal they have received is, in fact, a sheep. Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food. Not that strange if YOU ARE A SHEEP.

Japanese police believe there could be 2,000 people affected by the scam, which operated in Sapporo and capitalised on the fact that sheep are rare in Japan, so many do not know what they look like.

For those Japanese amongst the readership, the sheep is the one on the right.

The Green Man had a sheep for a pet for a while, her name was Ewe-nis. She was a good pet but the person we got her from didn't tell us she was a house-sheep. The Green Man had ideas that she would live in the paddock and eat grass, sadly Ewe-nis had other ideas about where sheep lived and what they eat (which was in the house eating "wild bird mix" seedmix). She eventually went to live on a hobby farm but at no point did The Green Man think she was a dog.

Source

Postscript: Oh well, it was a great story but it appears to be a hoax. Says something about The Green Man's perception of the Japanese I suppose.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Man Eating Shark

Well he is tonight. Meet Phillip Kerkhof, 41, who jumped into shallow waters to chase the bronze whaler shark because it was eating bait that he and other fisherman were using off a jetty near Port Lincoln.

For those of you not familiar with sharks, bronze whalers are one of your more ferocious sharks. Phil jumped off the jetty and wrestled the shark after capturing it in his arms and managed to fling it up onto the jetty before killing it.

"He didn't think," his wife said. "He'd had a few vodkas and wasn't thinking straight. He just does things off impulse. He thought about it later and said, 'That was a bit dangerous, next time I think I should stick to beer.'"

Not only the man was eating shark. Chritine, his wife says "I cooked some of it up the night after. It was beautiful. Really tender. There's a few people around here who wouldn't mind trying it so it'll go pretty quick."

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Who Evolved First

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Tales From The Shower Block

The Green Man is more forward thinking than most. When he arrives at the folk festival he has four showers on the first day thus addressing all four days cleanliness in one efficient session. In spite of this The Green Man unexpectedly found himself in need of an additional shower part way through the festival due, in part, to the refusal of Mrs Green Man to come with 3 feet.

All shower cubicle were occupied and those waiting consisted of three singers from an Irish folk group and aged in their early twenties and on a high on their first trip from Ireland and, of course, The Green Man himself. They were joking around and a cubicle became available. One went in and the other two became impatient for their turn. One yells at the top of his woice

"I hope no-one is wanking in there because there are people out here waiting for a shower"

Within about 30 seconds the two remaining cubicles opened out came two boys, one about 12 and the other 14. They left the shower block avoiding eye contact. Oh well two more boys scarred for life.

Anyway The Green Man was entertained with some magnificent lyrical singing of Irish folk songs during his shower.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Bike Fence NZ

Bike fence New Plymouth, NZ

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Urinal Etiquette

This of course is not such a problem for women, although one wonders whether the same applies to cubicles in the ladies but the etiquette of where to stand in a row of partially occupied urinals is significant and important to master if you are retain your masculine self-respect.

Flash Arcade has kindly come to the rescue. Once you have mastered the descrete urinals you are ready to move on to the next level and tackle the sutble science of positioning yourself on a continuous gutter. Don't expect Flash Arcade to help you here. This is "zen master" level and you will have to discover it for yourself.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Cluelessness

Courtesy of Demotivational Posters

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Contraception And The Royal Family

When confronted with a headline like

Queen's contraception awareness program among world's top five

What is a a good subject of her majesty to think? I know that the royal families of Europe have displayed considerable lack of awareness of contraception over the last few centuries but Betty just doesn't seem to be the sort of royal to need such an awareness program. Her children are another matter of course but, if she has had dalliances, she has been remarkably discreet. Ironically, what genetic strength there is in the royal houses of Europe, including Britian, is probably due to a certain lack of faithfullness on behalf of the female aristocracy. Like pure bred animals, the highly inbred royals are at real risk of genetic diseases. Like pedigree dogs, the injection of a some fresh genes into the gene pool from a mongrel that has climbed over the fence can be extremely beneficial.

The royal families of Europe suffer from a number of genetic diseases that are rare in the overall population, haemophilia being the classic example, and any wonder, this relatively small group have been marrying and breeding with close cousins for centuries. It got The Green Man to thinking "why aren't they more genetically diseased than they appear to be?" and "why haven't they started to genetically diverge from the rest of the population?" They did in some ways, the Hapsburg lip, for example, but they are essentially still the same type of human as the rest of us and they shouldn't be. The answer is simple, they are not genetically isolated and it is not the males that are to be thanked. The ones that have been the recepticals of fresh genetic material into this, otherwise, isolated group are the promiscuous royal females. Over the centuries the royal families of Europe can be particularly grateful to the lack of contraception awareness by their female members.

Sadly none of this has anything to do with the article in question which was to do with a new website by Queen's University entitled sexualityandu.ca. Still if The Green Man was still researching gene flow within human populations which he did all those many years ago then the "Promiscuity of the Female Members Of European Royal Families As A Survival Strategy" might have made an excellent PhD topic.

Source (for what is worth)

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Mouse

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Big Rabbit

Now that is one big rabbit!

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

The Red Button

I know it is purile, but all the more satisfying for that

Don't push the red button

(via Bene)

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Gender Bias In Word Usage in Personal Ads

Attention men, if you are planning to utilise the services of an online dating service there are a few things you need to brush up on, the movie/book Bridget Jones' Diary for a start.

Clinton East who is not one to shy away from the minefield of sexual politics that is online dating decided to do some analysis of word usage in online adverts from the desparate seeking the equally desparate. Utilising the online dating service rsvp.com.au he downloaded 100,000 ads. He then divided the ads into those seeking a male and those seeking a female, the particularly desparate who would except either gender didn't make the cut.

In his post he publishes the most commonly used words in both categories. There are two observations of a flippant nature that spring to mind

- the males seeking females think of themselves as "guys" where as the females are looking for a "man"

- martial arts and 4x4 are just not worth mentioning in your "desparately seek woman" ad.

Finally here is a Clinton East conclusion lifted from the post

There are a whole heap of people seeking ‘discreet’ relationships with females. There was almost no representation of these in the under-30 age group (only two in the whole set), with the bulk occuring in the 30-50 group. Combining this with the preference of ‘murder’ in the corresponding ’seeking male’ group (who are about the same age, 30-50), we conclude that there are probably a large number of men seeking a relationship with a female who herself would prefer a good mystery or paperback from Mills and Boon. I think there’s a marketing opportunity in there for the brave…

Click on the link to his post above, it makes fascinating, if completely inconsequential, reading.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Suspicions of Nerdishness

hmmmm. A slave like devotion to LOTR (The Lord of The Rings to the uneducated) and an encyclopedic knowledge of its contents my lead to suspicions amongst your friends that you harbour nerdish tendancies.

Construction Minas Tirith in lego is only going to confirm it.

From Brickfest 2005 the annual conference for the AFOL (Adult Fans of Lego ) via Wired.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

A Lesson In Life

Once upon a time, there was a philosophy professor. One day he decided
to teach his class a bit differently, he decided to teach them a life
lesson.

So when the class began, he took a big, big jar and wordlessly began to
Fill it with rocks, each one a couple of inches in diameter. He asked
the Class if the jar was full. They said yes.

He then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He
Shook the jar lightly, and the pebbles fell through and filled up some
of the Gaps between the rocks. He asked the class if the jar was full.
They said yes.

He then picked up a small bag of sand and poured it into the jar. He
Gently shook the jar, and the sand fell through and settled where there
was a Space between the rocks and the pebbles. He asked the class if
the jar was full. They said yes.

Now they were fascinated. He knew he had them.

So he took two bottles of lager from under the table, opened them and
carefully poured each into the jar. Of course, the sand absorbed the
beer...... and at last the jar was full. All the students laughed.

Once the laughter stopped, the professor calmly and quietly began
talking. Everyone in the classroom was hypnotised by his display.

This jar represents your life. The rocks are the most important things
: Family, children, your health, your partner. If everything was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full. There was
silence in the room.

The pebbles are other pretty important things - your job, your house,
Your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. The stuff
that doesn't matter.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there will never be room for The
pebbles and the rocks. The same is true for your life. If you spend
All your time and energy worrying about the small stuff, you will never
Have time for anything else.

He paused and looked around.

There was nothing but silence, so he continued.

Happiness is paramount in life. And so you must pay attention to the
Big things that give you the most happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to go to the doctors when you don't feel well. Go out dancing
with your friends and your partner. If you do this, there will always
be Time to go to work, to clean the house, to deal with these kinds of
things.

ALWAYS take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set
your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and asked what the beer was all
about.

Now it was the professor's turn to smile.

I'm glad somebody noticed that. Remember this : No matter how full
Your life is and how much you have to deal with and how much you may
think You have to do, there will always be room for a couple of beers.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Done 1000

Shai Coggins is a writer, artist, published author, professional blogger, podcaster, online instructor, consultant, wife, and mum with a Masters Degree in Applied Psychology. (Well that is what her blog says so it must be true.)

By contrast The Green Man is a professional ratbag and an amateur blogger but with a prodigous number of posts.

She has published a badge of honour for blogs past the 1,000 post mark, which is no hurdle for The Green Man (1,126 posts).

As The Green Man has pointed out before, the forest floor of The Green Man's blog is littered with fallen leaves of little value. There are, however, a few precious acorns amoungst leaf litter and Shai does not place any caveat on the quality of posts. So, with no show of humility, The Green Man claims his prize.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Duck Tape, It Is A Boy Thing

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Tits Tits Tits Tits

Want to know what is the most requested image from The Green Man website. A quick analysis shows that female or male nudity just didn't cut the mustard. Apart from the title, which is on every page, this is the image that has attracted the most attention on The Green Man.

Ahh, you are a deeply disturbed lot out there.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Is that your nossle you are holding?

The Country Fire Authority is the organisation that manages fires within rural Victoria. They are largely volunteers and do an excellent job however fire season is over and it is time to let the hair down.

North Warrandyte Fire Brigade are running their annual comedy festival . Naturally it rates high on the internation comedy festival circuit and tickets are limited so if you are planning to fly in from Europe or the States it would be wise to book ahead.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Bolkien - Lord of the Rings Revisited

Martin Pearson is at pains to point out that he is a great fan of The Lord of The Rings and ipso facto he has licence to abduct and mutilate it in a most hilarious fashion. Martins lopsided view of the film is that he thought was excellent but would have been so much better as a musical.

The Green Man had occassion to attend a performance of the mutilation over 3 days at the National Folk Festival last year and Martin presented it again this year. Like many of these sorts of things it is impossible to replicate the humour outside the venue however the honourable Pearson has taken some of the better parts and assembled a CD that he is counting on to make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. The said CD is entitled "The Unfinished Spelling Errors of Bolkien, being a three part musical synopsis of book and file LOTR."

It is a collection of songs, (click here for a sample.) and narrative (Click here)

The Green Man humbly suggests that it would make an excellent present for the LOTR fan in your family. If that is yourself then indulge yourself.

You can contact Martin Person on by email on martinpearson@iinet.net.au or by snail mail at

Martin Pearson
PO Box 2373
Richmond South 3121
Australia

It costs $40 for the double CD. That is in Australian dollars which is probably about 75c US.

If you are in Melbourne and act quickly you can catch the live performance at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. He is performing Bolkien as follows:

Friday 8 April (7.30pm)
Sat 9 April (7.30pm)
Sun 10 April (5pm)
Fri 15 April (7.30pm)
Sat 16 April (7.30pm).

The venue is the Royal Society of Victoria, 9 Victoria St Melbourne. Tickets cost a mere $20 and can be ordered through Ticketmaster7 on 1300 66 00 13.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Trust Noone

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Lightness of Content

hmmmm The Green Man has been a bit serious of late, time for a joke.

Q: What is worn under a kilt?

A: Nothing, it is all in perfect working order. aw aw aw aw

If you find the concepts of male genitalia and the Queen of England fundamentally incompatible do not click here. (not that work safe)

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

I am off to Perth

I am off to perth for a week. I have disabled comments because I will not be around to perform the cleanup of comment spam that is continually necessary. Look forward to more reports from the worlds of art and science from The Green Man around 18th Jan.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Mail Boxes

Sam is interested in mail boxes and has been collecting images of the worlds more unusual examples.

Visit him here to see more examples of the worlds mailboxes.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Demotivation

Courtesy of www.despair.com

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Snake In The House

An elderly person falling in their home and breaking one of their frail bones is a sad and unfortunate event. It often means the end to their life as a self reliant, independent person. Recent research has been undertaken by Dr Susan Kurrle, Director, Rehabilitation and Aged Care Service at Hornsby Ku-ring-gai Health Service, Sydney, NSW to look at the role pets play in causing accidents within the home.

Pets have long been regarded as a plus but they do get underfoot from time to time and falls can happen. This was going to be a serious article on the issue until I got to this line:

80 - Female - Pelvis - Cat - Fall while attempting to move quickly out back door as cat carried live snake in through side door.

Yes it is a serious issue but the mental image of an 80 year old woman high-tailing it out the back door as the cat enters with a highly agitated snake in its mouth through the side door is just too much for a Friday afternoon. Reminds me of the time my dad got locked in the walk-in canary cage with a tiger snake wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. The venom of the Tiger snake is the fourth most poisonous in the world and is present in large quantities. A normal bite could kill 40,000 adult mice.

I can still hear him yelling in abject terror "Shit! There's a snake in here"

laughed! we nearly wet ourselves (after we got him out of course)

Perhaps you had to be there, or perhaps it is just the perverted Australian sense of humour when it comes to these highly venemous snakes that share our bush life.

Anyway the serious research is here if you wish to read it.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Irish Car Recovery

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Snow At The Green Man

Ah yes The Green Man is entering into the festive spirit with some snow on the main page. This is, of course, completely inappropriate, given that it was 35 degrees yesterday (that's Celcius, 95 Fahrenheit).

It does however typify the strict adherance to these inappropriate northern hemisphere Christmas traditions within Australian popular culture. We cling desparately to the snow theme when most of Australia never has snow, even in winter. Santa is dressed in a well ventilated costume to stop him collapsing of heat exhaustion whilst chocolate treats surreptitiously turn to liquid, escape their foil wrappings and congregate at the bottom of the shopping bag.

At this time of year Carols by Candlelight is an exercise in stamina for the younger members of the audience with the candles only becoming relavent after sunset at 8:43pm.

Still generally we are prepared to overlook the anachronisms and embrace the European ideal even if we have to turn the refrigeration unit on the air-conditioner to maximum.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Worry

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Body Guacamole

The thing about Japanese food is that it is all in the presentation. That's what makes body sushi work.

Even if you have idealogical objections to the use of a willing female as a plate you have to admit that, at least, it has a degree of presentation about it.

Not all self-service foods lend themselves to this style of presentation however. Guacamole, for example, just does not work.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Paper Folding Exercise

Grab a piece of paper and fold it in half, it is now twice as thick as it was before. So what happens if you repeat the process? It is now four times as thick as the original piece. Just keep on folding and imagine how thick it would be after 100 folds. Reasonably thick you'd think, and you'd be correct.

At seventeen folds it would be taller than your average house. Three more folds and that sheet of paper is a quarter way up the Sears tower. Ten more folds and it has crossed the outer limits of the atmosphere. Another twenty and it has reached the sun from the earth. At sixty folds it has the diameter of the solar system. At 100 folds it has the radius of the universe.

It seems incredible but it is true, click here to see the table.

(via J-Walk)

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

John's Crowning Glory

You will only get away with being a credible PM into your 70s & 80s if you have a decent head of hair. It allows you to connect with the electorate. Bugger interest rates and dead bodies in Iraq, a good surfy head of hair will see you through.

Of course if you're a traditional supporter of the Liberal Party then you don't want some radical whipper snapper running the country, how about Conservative Mark, now he looks just the ticket.

Not happy with either of these then create your own leader of either political persuasion via the Advanced Hair Studio community service website click here for John or here for Mark.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

The End Of The Olypmics

Well the Olympics are finally over and not a moment too soon for The Green Man. The frivolous entry on the Olympics Medal Tally has been generating upwards of 2,000 visits per day from people actually looking for the Olympics Medal Tally, which shows that sports-mad people don't read the google search results very carefully before clicking on a link. There must be some sort of Psychology PhD in that surely. hmmm Dr Green Man, it has a certain ring to it, perhaps I'll file the idea away for 2008.

Not that the sports-mad amongst us are illiterate, the average pages per visit has not dropped indicating that many who stumbled on The Green Man looking for Olympic stats went on to read other pages.

In normal circumstances one could expect our television and radio broadcasting to settle back down now but our Prime Minister, the man of no-so-stainless steel, has had the audacity to call an election. It looks like another six weeks of interrupted viewing whilst the two major political parties attempt to differentiate themselves whilst both saying exactly the same thing.

So who will The Green Man vote for? Need you ask? The Greens of course, boy you lot can be slow at times.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

A Visit From US Military Intelligence

Oooooooo, just checking the usage stats. Included in this month are the following sites

bu-wcs1-kelly.nipr.mil 1306 hits from 1 visit
wcs2-mcpherson.nipr.mil 719 hits from 2 visits
wcs2-moffett.nipr.mil 164 hits from 2 visits
wcs1-moffett.nipr.mil 126 hits from 2 visits

Bearing in mind that there are only 914 entries on The Green Man, they must have read every entry.

A quick search of the net reveals the following quote

nipr.mil is not a single domain a but a hush-hush web proxy that acts as a gateway for hundreds of U.S. military domains in order to hide their identities. It was established by the Defense Information Systems Agency (DISA) in response to a memorandum (CM-5 1099, INFOCOM) issued in March 1999 by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, calling for "actions to be taken to increase the readiness posture for Information Warfare." "Uncontrolled Internet connections," the document says, "pose a significant and unacceptable threat to all Department of Defense information systems and operations From Bhopal.net

It sets The Green Man a wondering. What bit of rubbish has he posted that attracted the attention of US Military intelligence? I don't mind the visits but I bet they didn't even click on one of the adverts.

How is a mystical woodland spirit supposed to earn a crust when they have all the fun of visiting and don't even play ball by clicking on an ad.

Given our close ties with the USA these days, The Green Man is wondering whether the ASIO file has been set up yet. (That's Australian Secret Intelligence Organisation for you non-Australians)

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

The Olympics Already

Wonderful things these clock radios. You set your alarm to half an hour before you want to get up and are arosed gently from your sleep. That is unless some half brained sports announcer is wetting his pants and yelling at you through the radio over the fact that some unknown Australian has kicked a round ball through a net in Greece.

Damn Olympics, it appears the soccer has started already and the usually sensible ABC has abandoned it's, normally sedate, early morning broadcast for coverage of the Olympics. Groan

How many days until they are over? Please let them end unexpectedly early.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Hollywood Has Discovered Blogs

The Green Man has in the past had great hopes of making his fortune from the blog. Sadly, the 65 cents a day that the advertising raises is not enough even for a ancient woodland spirit to survive on.

Just when hope was all but lost along comes Hollywood. It seems they have noticed that some of their key demographics do not watch that much TV these days. They are on the web and many are visiting blogs. So it is then that, when Paramount Pictures wanted to promote their picture "The Manchurian Candidate", they came a knocking on the door of a number of blogs, Instapundit and TheTruthLaidBear to be specific.

Apparently their blog advertising budget was only in the 4 figure category but, hey, if those digits are on the left hand side of the decimal point, The Green Man is interested. Now all I have to is wait for a film on something GreenMan-like and I'm in the money.

Read more in Wired.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

A Variation On An Old Joke

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

- Elaine Chao (Secretary of Labor) to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced

- Colin Powell (Secretary of State) to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb

- Alphonso Jackson (Secretary of Housing & Urban Development) to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,

- Donald Rumsfeld (Secretary of Defense) to arrange the invasion of a Iran which is rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs

- Vice President Cheney to figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb

- Karen P. Hughes (Senior PR Advisor) to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,

and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country (currently an unfilled position).

hmmmm they clearly don't use bayonet mount light bulbs in USA

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

John Howard in Porn Scandal

The BBC report "Porn furore vexes Austrian leader"

Oooooooh the Austrian leader, how disappointing, I thought it said the Australian leader. I must stop skimming in the news reader.

Come to think of it, imagining John Howard in a porn scandal, now that is challenging. Give John his due he is about as boringly straight as it is possible to be.

hmmm perhaps a little bit of Clintonesque action with that cute young PA he now has is just what he needs. Might relax him a bit. Not that I am saying he is uptight or anything. Although, the fact that you could crack walnuts with those buttocks does tend to indicate that a bit of relaxation mightn't be such a bad thing.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Help Facility

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Public Toilet Map

Darren at the Living Room points us to a resource provided the Australian Government, the public toilet map.

The Green Man was most intrigued and felt compelled to give it a go. Sadly it proved hopelessly inadequate. A quick look a The Green Man's suburb of Warrandyte showed only one public toilet, there are heaps more bushes than that in Warrandyte.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

A New Reader Of The Blog

An interesting development in the life of The Green Man blog occured yesterday. I refer specifically to this comment

It's been a pleasure to read the articles you have posted today. It gives me an insight into what is consuming your thoughts.

Innocuous enough I hear you say. Well yes, except that it was made by Mrs Green Man herself.

Yikes! Mrs Green Man reading the blog! I had better have a quick look back at my recent posts.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

mmmmm its cicada time

I know that component of the readership that is from northern America are just gearing up for the cicada feast that is just around the corner. The Green Man has spoken of this before (here) but the time is drawing near and the important subject of recipes must be brouched, after all, these noisy little critters are so packed full of fat and calories that they almost qualify as a McDonalds meal.

Forget hamburgers though, the topical way to obescity is cicada. Naturally, when it comes to competing with hamburgers it is hard to go past "cicadas in beer batter with tartare sauce" however those gourmands amongst the readership may like to consider an oriental approach to cicada consumption that is gaining increasing support amongst the "round-eye" community, namely "Shanghai Cicada"

Take 30 cicadas and boil them with a little anise, sherry and salt for about five minutes.

Mix 10 cloves of crushed garlic with soy sauce to create a paste. Shape the paste to look like a mound of earth and cover with lettuce and celery.

Before serving, arrange the cicadas in the paste with their heads poking out of the greens so they look like they're crawling out of the ground.

of course if you are that sort of boring American who believes that the BBQ is the sole vehicle for the preparation of protien then it is important to remember to freeze your cicadas first, it stops them jumping off the hotplate before they are cooked.

Sadly, in Australia we will be forced to consume our protein in the form of a deliciously thick steak seared on the outside and rare and bloody inside. It takes a steak like that to truely prepare a man for letting loose a barbaric yawp. Never mind, enjoy your cicadas.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Even Police Are Nice Sometimes

So here is the situation. My eldest son has rung and said he is at the bus stop at the other end of our township. Having had a couple of drinks I hop in my youngest sons car and head off to pick him up.

In that brief interval between driving over and driving back a booze bus has set itself up at the entrance to the township. I get pulled over. Have I had too much to drink? I'll soon find out.

I pull up. The window doesn't work in the car so I have to get out. I blow into the machine and the cop says "So you've had a few".

"A couple" I answer "and only five minutes ago so it is probably reading high"

I am thinking that I am off the hook, it is just under the legal limit and he says "So you are a P-plate driver" (this is the first 3 years of your licence and you can't drink at all).

"No" I say " it is my sons car. "

"Can I see your licence please, Sir"

It is about this time I realise that I have changed pants since I got home and I don't have my licence with me.

"Errrr I haven't got it but trust me I am not a P-plater. It's my sons car"

Guess what he did. Sometimes even the Police are human.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Arab Big Brother Cancelled

The BBC reports that Arab Big Brother has been cancelled. A mere 1,000 people that gathered protesting in Bahrain have caused Arabic satellite TV channel MBC to suspend it.

Surely we could have found 1,000 Australians who could have made it to Dreamworld on the Gold Coast to protest and we would have been rid of the Australian version. Perhaps not, they were probably off fishing or something.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Of Bush And Flexibility

You recall that time GWB was flown onto an aircraft carrier moored a couple of miles of the US coast to declare the war in Iraq over. He arrived is a flight suit. If Australia's Prime Minister of the day, regardless of political persuasion, had attempted a stunt like that he would have been universally regarded as a wanker. The Green Man acknowledges, however, that American culture is somewhat different to Australian culture in these matters, as evidenced by the production of a doll to comemorate the event.

It is hard for The Green Man to imagine a productive use for such a doll which clearly points to a lack of imagination on the part of The Green Man because the innovative folks at Bush Yoga have the mighty commander in chief of the freeist nation of the world in a variety of ancient yoga positions.

It sets The Green Man a pondering,

"Was the doll designed to cater for such positions or have some fiendish operations been performed upon it?"

"Is it anatomically correct and, if so, there must some unexpected wear and tear on certain parts"

It is positively unAmerican.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Bar Code Yourself

Have you ever suspected that, in todays society, you are just a number? Well how far behind the times are you? We moved to bar-codes long ago.

Never mind, it is not to late to catch up. Bar Code Art is a valuable free service that enables you to generate your own personal bar-code. Feel free to have it tattooed onto your forehead.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

John Denver

Here is a little bit of trivia for you, in lieu of some sensible comment which seems beyond The Green Man today.

John Denver is a stage name. John adopted it because he fell in love with Denver. When he became famous he bought himself a large place at Aspen. He loved the Rockies.

Being a touristy sort of town, Aspen has entertainment venues that cater for all sorts. On one night one of them was running a John Denver look-alike competition. John, having nothing else to do, entered. The competition involved getting up on stage and singing your favourite John Denver song, as well as looking like him of course.

These competitions can be pretty tough, with some people putting a lot of effort into looking like their favourite star. As an indication of the toughness of the competition, the best John Denver could manage in his own look-a-like comp was a third.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

I Was Wrong. Not All Americans Are Good At Sex

The Green Man has made a gross generalisation vis-a-vis the level of hanky-panky in the USA. Way back on October 29th last year The Green Man, in an entry entitled "America It's Good At Sex", quoted an OECD report that highlighted the reproductive acheivements of the citizens of the USA. As the only developed country to be generating enough babies to sustain its population most of its citizens can hold their heads high.

There is a fly in the lubricant however. Department of Public Health reports that, whilst the citizens of the state of Massachusetts love their outdoor activities, there is a, primarily indoor, activity on which the aforesaid citizens are dropping the ball. The teenage girls of Massachusetts are letting the side down terribly, resulting in an unprecedented decline in teenage pregnancies, a mere 2.26% of 15-19 girls are pregnant. Compare this with a national average of 4.29% and you will appreciate the extent of the crisis.

Health Commissioner Christy Ferguson, recognising the preference for outdoor activities amongst her citizens, is lauching a new "Savor sex in the sunlight" promotional campaign to more effectively utilise the labyrinth of walking and hiking trails that the state so generously maintains. Here is a group getting a lecture on the basics of sex in the outdoors. I think she is saying something like "You need to stay at least this far from the edge to avoid 'roll over' accidents."

You can read more about this innovative program at www.mass-vacation.com
Read more about Mass Teenage Birth Rates

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Bush Conspiracies

Did you know that

George W. Bush caused the Cubs to lose to the Marlins in Game 7 of the National League Championship Series so that SUV owners could oppress minorities.

I don't know who the "Cubs" and "Marlins" are but it sounds pretty serious to me. You would have to have a very credible source to go quoting such scandalous allegations you would think and, in fact I do.

It is the George W Bush conspiracy generator. Why bother to think up your own George Bush conspiracy theory when, at the click of a button you can have one generated for you.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Spelling, Some People Are So Fussy

There are some picky picky people amongst the readership of The Green Man. You know the sort. Those ones who think the articles on The Green Man should be speld correctly. How are great minds, like the one that The Green Man keeps telling himself he has, supposed to keep exploring the intrickacies of the magnificent universe around them if they keep getting dragged back to the mundane by people pointing out spelling errors.

And another thing, how would anyone find out about the hippocratic oath if The Green Man had not misspelt it in an early post. The number of hits on that page is enormous, clearly noone else can spell it either.

Anyway to the point at last. YourDictionary.com has produced a list of the 100 most commonly misspelt words. The Green Man is proud to say that he has misspelt almost all of them. See them here.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Ugg Boot The Australian Icon

It has been a big strain for The Green Man to be serious for a whole week. What is needed now is a bit of complete frivolousness and what better than to turn The Green Man's attention to the sacred cow that is haute couteur. (Damn is that how you spell it. I can't be bothered looking it up. It is good enough for this post.)

It seems that a fashion statement that has been going strong in Australia since the 1970's has suddenly attained fashion icon status across the pacific thanks to an airing on the Oprah Winfrey show. The humble ugg boot as made it at last.

The ones in the picture don't do ugg boots justice really. They need to be slobbed around in for a year or two by which time the heel area begins to collapse and they attain their more recognisable shape.

Ugg boots are sort of daggy prerequisite for Australian citizenship. The Green Man understands that new Australian citizens, after they have taken the oath, are handed a pair, along with a cootamundra wattle seedling to plant in the back yard. Now it seems anybody who's anybody wants a pair. Reuters reports that Serena Williams, who is out here for the Australian Open, has specified that the chilled water flown in from the southern alps is to be delivered to her suite by bronzed Aussie surfer boys clad in not much more than the afore mentioned uggs. (Well actually she just ordered the uggs, but what sort of story is that?)

Australia has many gifts that it could share with the world but the quintessential dagginess of the ugg boot has to put it right up near the top of the list.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

An Astonomers Lonely Life

I told you earlier that a career in science can be a lonely profession and none more so than that of an astronomer, pursuing their profession lost amongst the stars. How appropriate then that when The Green Man typed in www.space.com , his preferred site for matters astronomical, this popup appeared.

Of course there is a major problem with the pop. It fails to allow the said lonely astronomer to specify his/her belief, or otherwise, in the "big bang" theory of the creation of the universe. It is a divisive issue and the first hurdle that any romantic astronomer is going to have to straddle in his/her quest for true love.

The Green Man supports the "big bang" theory by the way, but only because he loves fireworks.

Oh and you can see the first images from the Mars explorer at www.space.com which is why The Green Man went there in the first place.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

101 Things To In 2004

Happy New Year! (I know I posted on the 1st but I couldn't think of anything witty and imaginative to say so I have been reduced to the banal. Still it is strangely in context with the rest of the blog, now that's a worry)

Anyway it's time to work on that list of things you want to acheive in 2004. This can be a challenging task, fortunately Tim Dowling of The Guardian has given us a bit of a helping hand with a generic list.

I think my favourite is

Wake up every morning and say to yourself, "Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California." This will serve to remind you that you are living in a surreal dream world where your actions have no consequences.

See the full list here.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Social Insights Of A Pizza Delivery Boy

The Christmas/New Year period is a quiet time in science, even the Beagle II is far too quiet at the moment, so it is with a glad heart that The Green Man has discovered some ground breaking social research upon which to report.

Thorough questioning of Pizza delivery drivers reveals the following facts:

- nine percent of people who answer the door in the nude are good tippers, compared with 2 percent of people in pajamas.

- "Paris Hilton" is the No. 1 fake name used by people calling for pizza and 38 percent of those using the name of the socialite model ordered pepperoni topping.

- people with "Dean for President" bumper stickers on cars in their driveways tipped 22 percent higher than people with "Bush for President" bumper stickers

- people with "Bush for President" bumper stickers were three times more likely to order meat-topped pizzas than "Dean for President" drivers

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Uruk Hai Social Justice

Well I have seen the "Return Of The King" and it was quite good. The end left a bit to be desired. It was one of the few places in the trilogy where there was a major departure in plot line from the book, the other, of course being the ommission of the journey through the old forest where the hobbits encounter yours truely, The Green Man, in the guise of Tom Bombadill.

Whilst generally hailed as a great success BBspot reports that the Ukuk Hai Antidefamation League (UADL) has lodged a formal complaint over the depiction of the magnificent fighting Uruk Hai in particular, and orcs generally, claiming it represents anti-Orc bias. They quote Wratch a spokes-orc for the UADL as saying.

"We feel that more emphasis should be put on the fact that we didn't eat Merry and Pippin. We'd also like included the scene where Lerd and Ugol discuss the geo-political ramifications of an alliance between Sauron and Saruman that was shot but was cut from the film."

They have a point. It is understandable that Tolkien, being human, would have a tendancy towards a pro-human stance however he clearly ignores the long and proud heritage of the Uruk Hai.

Uruk Hai in ancient Sumerian loosely translates to "citizen of Uruk" but I am sure you already know that and I am sure that I also don't need to remind you that Uruk is a great walled city situated 250 km south of Baghdad, on an ancient branch of the Euphrates River in Iraq.

Uruk was built by Gilamesh in about 3500BC. Granted it is a bit run down at the moment but as Yoda wisely put it

Look so good in 5,500 years you will not!

Being a citizen of a 5,500 year old city is nothing to sneeze at, except when the dust storms come through, so let's bear a thought for the mighty Uruk Hai whose employment prospects plummetted with the unfortunate confluence of the demise of Sauron and the end of filming of the trilogy.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Happy Christmas From The Green Man

And I heard him exclaim
As he sped out of sight
"Merry Christmas to All!
And to all a good night!"

I am knocking of for a few Chrissy drinks now with some friends from work; then off home to start the marathon that is Christmas lunch preparation.

Regardless whether you are a Christian or not, The Green Man wishes you a very happy and peaceful Christmas period.

p.s. Try not to be rude to that uncle who gets up your nose at Christmas dinner it is really not worth it.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

Toilet Pseudo-exhibitionism

Check this out. What do you think it is? Nope it is not a modern day tardis. (If you don't know what a tardis is then there is little hope for you I am afraid. Click here to redeem yourself.)

It is in fact a toilet at the Tate Gallery in London. This is what it looks like from the outside. From the inside the view is completely different, see below.

You are not imagining things, it is completely transparent. Made of one-way mirrors, noone can see in but inside it is like you are going to the toilet with clear glass all the way around.

It is a bit too much for some people, they find their ability to conduct their business, so to speak, impossible with views of the comings and goings of the visitors to the Tate in full view.

The Green Man thinks it is in the category of "must try".

Read more in The New York Times.

And whilst we are on the topic of toilets, here is one in South West Tasmania. It is in a wilderness area so you have to walk a couple of days to get to it. Accordingly the passing traffic is somewhat limited but not zero. Still they are a friendly bunch in Tasmania and always willing to stop for a chat, even to someone sitting on a toilet in the middle of nowhere.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.

More Gift Ideas

Looking for the unusual present and bull semen just doesn't seem to fit the bill. Everyone loves a cuddly stuffed toy and it was only a matter of time until the range of fluffy stuffed creatures was extended to the microscopic organisms. The Anatomical Chart company has released a range of stuffed toy germs guaranteed to find the soft spot in each of us, pretty much like their real life equivalents do.

When I have a conversation with my cousin I can't get a word in edgewise, he will just not shut up. I am thinking "sore throat" germ, which I presume is a staphlococcus, might just be the right gift for him.

Buy your germ here.

Please note that the The Green Man is usually accurate however he does tend to drift into the mischievous areas of satire and parody from time to time. Such is the nature of the Green Man. In fact he is not above complete fiction when the fancy takes him.